Dr Crotchet

Great Doctors of our time.

No 4 - Dr. John.

Which Doctor? Yes, That's right. The snappy dressing, head dress wearing, magic sprinkling, ivory tinkling, witch doctor of New Orleans. The gris gris man, gumbo a ya ya, he who walks on gilded splinters, the night tripping duke elegant of R&B, the only true successor to Professor Longhair. The new king of the Mardi Gras, a prince of the piano, a voodoo viscount.
Real name - Mac Rebbenack, this purveyor of fine Blues based carnival type music is one of the truly great under-achievers with just one hit to his name but a back catalogue of superb albums and inspirational guest appearances with other quality artists. If you like your Rhythm and your Blues with spicy flavouring and a brew that has been concocted and cooked in a cauldron, then this is your guy. Check him out.

Interesting (and true) fact. - Dr.Johns first, (and some would say best) album was cut in studio time left over from a Sonny and Cher session.

And now for our very own Earl of the dark arts .............

Dear Dr. Crotchet

As a member of a continually "on the road" touring band, playing gigs up and down the fair isle of merry olde England, I have a question that I am sure is pertinent to every musician in a similar situation. On our long haul north or our sojourn in the south, whilst heading way out west or motoring to the east we have but one thought on our minds. When do we eat? Where do we eat? What do we eat? (O.K. that's three thoughts, but only one subject, you have to admit). Due to parking restrictions that have strangled the life out of the nations high streets whilst lining the grubby pockets of fat councillors, we have no choice but to avail ourselves of the facilities of the notorious and Mafia like institution known as 'The motorway service station'. My question to you is this:- (Hang on, I've got it here somewhere on a piece of paper, oh yes, here it is) - Which is the best choice for replenishing stomachs that are emptier than a pensioners purse?

Yours - The Happy Eater.

Dr. Crotchet replies,

Dear Mr Happy,

I knew that this question would be asked eventually. It just took someone to think of it.
Ah, the life of a touring musician. Acton, Market Harborough, Brighouse, Auchtermuctie. The world is your Lobster but your sustenance is a Ginsters pasty. But of course, budgetry constraints will be on your mind, and quality is a fanciful wish.
Should you desire to empty your wallet and leave yourself with a feeling of frustrated gastronomic satisfaction, then I suggest - Moto, Welcome Break or Road Chef. Where it's not only tiredness that kills but also most of their table offerings. (Probably, (legal Ed.)). The sort of experience that is strangely akin to a version of Hell furnished with cheap plastic tables in garish colours. A bizzare alternative universe where wearisome drivers pull in to leave their car and then go straight on to the computerised racing driving games machine.
Where else can you go to buy a sandwich, a milk shake, an edition of Nuts magazine, a book about mens obsession with sheds, a copy of t.v. quick, novelty pens, a road atlas, rubbish clothing, cheap jewelry, A.A. membership, Petrol, a biscuit tin in the shape of a Model T Ford and a Billy Ray Cyrus greatest hit C D? And all for £315.00.
Your only true alternative is a packed lunch, or the Tebay Westmoreland Motorway Services in the Lake District. - Distinctive, tasty, quality food, in an environmont that has a peacefull, tranquil ambience that does not suck the very soul from your body. Run independently, by a family owned buisness, and serviced and stocked by local suppliers, this your only hope of refreshment that is, indeed, refreshing and nourishing and leaving you with a feeling that life is worth continuing with. As is your journey.
So, for the sort of replenishment that your stomach requires, as a hard working touring musician, you should forego 'The Big Three' and head straight to 'Westmoreland Sevices' on the M6, just north of Kendal, which is a great supplier of the fabulous 'Mint Cake' beloved of mountaineers.
Good luck, and good eating.

Doctor Crotchet.

Doctor Crotchet is in no way sponsored by Tebay, Westmoreland Motorway Services (For quality food at a reasonable price). . Honest.

Great Doctors of our time.

No 3 - Dr. No

Or Dr. Julius No, to give him his full name. This is a man who seems more in need of a Doctor himself due to having steel, claw like, hands after an accident involving radio activity, a heart on the wrong side of his body, (well, at least he has a heart), and psychiatric problems that lead him to to attempt to gain revenge on America, for ignoring his scientific genius, by disrupting an American space launch with a laser beam weapon. In short he is an oddball fanatical scientist with a cool and abrupt manner, hell bent on world domination. Just like any other Doctor really.
He does not work for the N.H.S. (National Health Service), but operates within the organisation of SPECTRE, (Special executive for counter intelligence, terrorism, revenge, extortion) and far from having a cosy and magazine filled surgery, he lives and practices in an underwater complex, just off Jamaica, surrounded by henchmen, atomic cooling reactors and a fire breathing dragon, guarding the shore line entrance, (actually a disguised tractor with a flame thrower attached). Obviously a bit more lavish than even Harley Street can offer, but just as difficult to get into as any local Doctors surgery.
Dr. No came to meet his maker when he was dumped into one of his own cooling reactors. Probably by an irate patient who couldn't get an appointment for 3 weeks and then only at 11.30 in the morning.

Interesting fact:- When the film was released in China, the title was translated as 'No Need for any Doctors'.

Meanwhile, operating out of a disused wartime underground bunker in Dollis Hill, our own, our very own, Dr. Crotchet is preparing to answer another query.

Dear Dr. Crotchet

I am a young, up and coming, talented, player of the Bass guitar thing. I currently, occasionally, twang my thang to the Blues beat of West Londons finest purveyors of authentic R&B.
My problem is this - . Between songs, I try to keep my fingers warmed up and ready to go by playing through my vast selection of '70's and '80's disco and funk low end grooves. Just a snatch, you understand but somehow I have managed to pull off the duel feat of upsetting my bandmates whilst bringing a smile to the audience, (Particularly my friends who understand my mischief ways). I do not wish to offend, and would welcome your advice on how to deal with this matter. By the way, did I mention that I am young. And talented.

Yours, Disco Duck.

And Dr Crotchet replies,

Dear Duck, silence is golden, (a pity that the writers of that tune didn't heed their own advice), and you should take your cues here from some members of the band in which you ply your trade. Take the singer for instance. He understands the dictum and strictly adheres. Sometimes taking it further and remaining silent through the parts he should be singing.
The drummer NEVER plays between songs and it is sometimes difficult to get him to play during them. The point is this, professionalism is the key. Do you think that members of Eric Claptons band would knock off a rendition of 'Yes sir, I can boogie' between numbers. Can you image the brouhaha if B B Kings backing musicians suddenly broke in to a few bars of 'It's raining men' whilst he was changing guitars. I think you'll agree, it's a frightening thought.
However, keeping your fingers ready for action by playing the odd note or two from the next song to come is always welcomed by those members of the band who can't remember how it goes and are glad of the memory jog.
Your youth and your talent are your biggest assets. Use them wisely. And remember the motto of the Bass God, (Jovan the magnificent):- "In a 4 piece band, remember, 3 of them are there to support the Bass player".

Yours, Dr Crotchet. (A real Doctor in a world of fakes).

Great Doctors of our time.

No 2 - Dr. Evadne Hinge

Dr. Evadne was one half of the charming english singing and piano duet ,- Hinge and Bracket, who throughout the 1980's regaled the nation with their many anecdotes from a life lived at The Old Manse in Stackton Tressel, Suffolk. Bringing to our t.v. screens a genteel life of civility and old fashioned values, from a bygone era, their curious world of cucumber sandwiches and double entendres, cream teas, and light opera was beamed in to the nations living rooms by another much loved and old fashioned icon of middle England respectability, - The B.B.C. - Channel 2, on television and channel 4 on radio. As much loved in their time, and field, as Morecambe and Wise or Chas and Dave, these delightful individuals managed to convey just what is Great about Britain and all its idiosyncrasies.

Interesting fact. In an earlier career move, Hinge and Brackett teamed up with Handel to form 'The Doors'.

Now then, what has OUR great Dr. got in store for us this week?

Dear Dr Crotchet

Since joining a Rock 'n' Roll band, I have gone from being a happy and dapper individual with a carefree attitude to life, to becoming a grumpy and disheveled old man with a dislke of human company. My question to you is this. - Can there be any hope for me?

Yours, A drummer.

Dr. Crotchet replies,

Drummers are often sullen, quiet, anti social misanthropes (except Keith Moon), who find that a life behind the traps looking on as the front men soak up the acclaim and the warm applause from the audience, leaving the sticksman to look like the pensioner left behind at the service station when the coach pulled out, leaves them with an introspective and melancholic overview of their lot in life. This does not apply to Jazz drummers, obviously, as more often than not it is they that are the absolute stars of the combo in which they operate.
You have to learn to re-discover the joy in what you do. Making music is an experience only bettered by one other activity. Making model aeroplanes. But then, that's just my opinion, allthough I do share it with my good friend, retired R.A.F. bigwig Henley Wargrave. Now, where was I? Oh yes, your natural exuberance has been curtailed by an exhausting over familiarity with a once novel and life affirming diversion from the mundanity of everyday existence. This is quite normal. You need to go through the barrier of boredom, the flimsy facade of frustration and the self erected steel shutters of social seclusion and emerge on the other side (exhausted, I would think, ed) with a clearer vision of the route ahead and your role within the team that will navigate that route.
In short, have a cup of tea, a Kit Kat (or a Custard Cream, 'The king of tea time snacks') and pull yourself together.

Yours, Dr. Crotchet.

P.S. Have you thought of taking up the banjo? That would put a smile on your face. But probably no one elses.

Great Doctors of our time

No 1 - Dr. Watson.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping holiday. On the first night Holmes awakens Watson and says to him. "Watson. Tell me you what you see". Watson replies, - "Holmes, I see a wonderful night sky, full of stars and constellations, distant planets, and hopes and dreams for the future. Who knows whether there is life further afield out there in the great universe. The planets are there for us to view and hopefully, one day, visit. I see a whole new world of promise"
Holmes pauses to take all of this in and then replies, - "Well my good Doctor, I can tell you that I can see that some bastard has nicked our tent!"

Another great Doctor next time, but first off it's Dr. Crotchet, with a more serious answer this week.

Dear Dr. Crotchet

I am confused. I thought that The Beatles had split up years ago. Have they reformed? I see that they have released 13 new albums this week.

Yours, A Klein (deceased).

Dr. Crotchet replies

Dear Mr Diseased

Ah, so you have fallen for it also, have you? I can tell you that they have not so much reformed as revisited their bank manager and found that they do not have quite as much cash as they thought they had. Quite a problem, I am sure you will agree. What will balance the books, apparently, is if you give them some of YOUR cash. Well, not just you, but millions of people around the world. But how to go about this?
All of their old albums have now been released simultaneously with the promise that they will sound better than ever before. What this ACTUALLY means is that they will now sound just as good as the old vinyl records that you threw away to replace with them with C.D.'s of an inferior sound quality. Now the new C.D.'s are better. So you can throw your old C.D.'s away and buy these new ones. However the BEST OF BEST sound quality comes on the mono mix C.D.'s. taken from the original mono masters. This, though is only available as a £200.00 box set, more expensive than the stereo set, and does not include all of the albums. Their last 2 have to brought separately You can, of course, buy the stereo masters box set with ALL the albums, but even the earliest albums will then be in stereo. Not in keeping with how they were generally issued at the time. The mono mixes are not available independently. To own all of the albums with complete authenticity would require you buying 2 copies of some releases I can understand how you are not only confused but also out of pocket.
Not out of pocket, however, are Paul, Ringo, Yoko and Olivia. The original 4 Beatles. Also not out of pocket are Apple records and Northern songs.
Far better to wait 10 years and get the re mastered 3D hologram versions where thanks to new technology, it will seem as though the Fab Four really are playing in your living room. Thank goodness it is not Oasis that have reached this level of popularity/blind devotion and unflinching belief in their greatness. The last people that I would want in my living room are the Gallagher Brothers.

Yours

Dr. Crotchet.

Abnormal service will be resumed next week.

Sylvia's Mother says "Sylvia's busy"
"Too busy to come to the phone"
Sylvia's Mother says "Sylvia's tryin'"
"To start a new life of her own"

(Hang about, these aren't 'Doctor' lyrics. Ed).

Yes they are, -- Dr. Hook. (Dr. Crotchet).

(As you were, Ed).

Its time for another 'quick fire surgery' from Dr. Crotchet. Take your place in the waiting room and wait for the flag to drop. On your marks, ...........

I play keyboards in a popular band. I also play guitar, bass, drums, and occasionaly sing. Will this make me more popular? .....Mr S.

I too play keyboards, in a popular band. I also play saxophone, susaphone, telephone, and bongos. Harp, timpani, and enough to play a symphony. Am I normal? .........Mr G.H.

Dr. C replies. - Being a multi instrumentalist is not always considered to be a good thing. You could end up like Mike Oldfield. 1 inspirational moment, repeated 10 times over 3 decades and a clutch of dodgy singles and Christmas noodles. Do you think any one likes him? Stick to a 1 string guitar like Seasick Steve and you will get on better with public and musos alike.

Has anybody seen my cat? .......... Mr L Ally.

Dr. C replies. - No.

How much is that doggy in the window? .......Anon.

Dr C replies - Well, it depends which one. If it is the three legged one, you will be surprised to find that it comes incredibly cheap. Does tricks too. Sits up and begs, plays songs and sings. Also juggles with cymbals, albeit unsuccessfully. Will perform for no more than a bowl of water. Interested?

I am a well respected Ryhthm and Blues stylist on the jammin' scene. I educate the masses with my carefull selection of choice R&B cuts. However, my trouser/shoe combinations leaves me short of respect as a Rock&Roller of some magnitude. Can you help? Mr G.

Dr C. replies - Let your songs speak for themselves. Do you think that Keith Richards cares what he looks like? Or Liam Gallagher? What about Bob Dylan? Hardly the height of fashion or sophistication. These are GIANTS, (or at least standing on the shoulders of), my friend and I would not trouble yourself with such minor trivialities. Be loud, sing it proud, 'I am not part of the fashion crowd'. Might work, as a song.

Is there lyrical, a dyslexia cure for? .......Anon.

Dr. C replies. - Dear Mr Gibson, I believe that you meant to ask, - 'Is there a cure for lyrical dyslexia'? The condition that causes one to muddle up the words of a song. YES. - Instrumentals.

What's going on? ............Mr Gaye.

Dr. C replies. - I haven't a clue, but how sweet it is to asked by you.

Does the chewing gum really lose it's flavour on the bed post, overnight? .........Don Egan.

Dr. C replies. - Well, most things lose their flavour if left hanging around on a piece of varnished wood for any continuing period of time. Try it. Fillet steak, barbecued chicken, profiteroles, etc. Why, there's many a time that I have left

Ahem!, that wraps up todays session, thank you very much. More Dr. Crotchet in the near future. (Perhaps).